Legend of Hetalia: Abridged Series
by Hitsu4HinaEva -Hari-Sama
Summary: This is based off of adamwestslapdog's Ocarina of Time abridged series on youtube. There may be USUK if you squint, but it's mostly crack. xD ENJOY
1. A Boy and His Fairy

_**Welcome to this.. thing! I hope you like it! xDDD**_

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_In the deep, vast forest of Hetalia..._

_Long have I served as the Guardian spirit. I am known as the Deku Tree._

_The children of the forest, the Kokiri, live here with me. _

_Each Kokiri each has his or her own guardian fairy._

_However, there is one boy who does not have a fairy..._

_Because he's a sick little weirdo... -shudders-_

"Man, this dream sucks." Alfred whined. He stood outside of the castle town gate. As the bridge lowered itself, two figures galloped out on a white horse. "Finally, some chicks."

"Hey there, baby~" he called. The first person replied with, "Get away from me, you loser!" and they rode off, leaving Alfred behind.

"Great, now even in my _dreams _I'm not getting any." He huffed. "Man why does nobody love-GAH!" he turned to see a tall figure on a black horse.

He turned to him, "You know, you're kinda cute."

"Nooo!"

* * *

"Oh, Britannia fairy, listen to my words.. Listen to the words of Antonio, the deku tree."

"Do you always refer to yourself in third person?" The small fairy sighed, turning to the tree.. person.. spirit... thing.

"No, the Deku tree doesn't!" he argued. "Now, I think it's time for the boy without a fairy to discover his destiny~"

"And what destiny is that?" The fairy asked. "Well, to get that damn squirrel that built a nest inside me, of course!" He said, as if it were the most plain thing in the world.

"Do you have any idea how annoying it is having _nuts _deep inside you?"

"For the last time, yes!" he was obviously annoyed. "Stop asking me that!"

"Whatever. Just go get the boy without a fairy." And so Arthur flew off to complete his task.

"Yeah, whatever you big wooden idiot."

The male fairy sighed as he flew through the shrubs and out of the small cavern the Deku tree rests in. "Why does it have to be him? He's probably not even out of bed yet."

He ended up having to fly between the legs of the guard at the end of the tunnel. "Out of my way, jack ass!"

He passed the shop, where a girl sat on the roof. "Hello!"

"Oh, hello yourself." he continued flying. "Probably going to be stuck up there forever."

He then passed a boy who appeared to be... "Are you _ humping a rock?_"

"Heeellz yeah."

"Okay, must get out of here." He scanned the small forest for the boy's house. "Really fast."

He sped up in one direction, letting out a sarcastic yell as he did so. But, he ran into a large gazebo fence. "Ow. I hope no one saw that.."

"I did~" the boy from before called. "Shut up, rock humper!"

Once he found the correct house, he flew inside.

"Finally.. This place is a real freaktown." he sighed. "Hey you, wake up." heflew over to the boy sleeping on his small bed. He shuddered in his sleep.

"No.. Get off me, you big pale Vodka man..." he mummered. "Ookay?" the fairy sighed. "Oh, screw it, wake up. I don't want to walk past the rock humper again."

The boy finally did sit up, and he yawned. "Whew... Hey, they make light bulbs with wings now." he sat on the edge of his bed and gazed at the fairy.

"I'm a fairy, you jackass." it grumbled.

"Heehee~! Sweet, it talks." he chuckled.

"...Right, whatever. Look- just come on. The Deku tree has a job for you." he groaned.

"Tell 'em I'll go when he comes to get me himself." The boy kicked his legs back and forth off the side of his bed.

"You do realize that he is a tree, correct?"

"Oh." he blinked. " I just thought he had a funny last name."

"A funny las-! ..." he groaned. "You jackass! Either come with me now, or els I'll.."

"Or else you'll what?" he was obviously not a very smart boy.

"I'll kick your ass; that's what."

"Yeah right," he snikered. "As if I'd get my ass kicked by a flying lightbulb."

The fairy scowled. "Well, I'm going back to bed."

_**THIS STORY IS RATED T. LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY AND KEEP THIS PART CENSORED.**_

"Ha. If this were prison, you'd be my bitch." the fairy laughed as they walked out of the house.

"Shut up..." the boy grumbled.

**TBC**

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_**Wow this was... yeah. I got the idea from the Majora's Mask version, but I think it'd be better if I started with the Ocarina of time. If you haven't figured it out yet, Alfred is Link and Arthur is Navi. Antonio (or Spain) is the Deku tree.**_

_**THIS WAS BASED OFF OF adamwestslapdog's ABRIDGED SERIES ON YOUTUBE AND I DO NOT OWN IT NOR DO I OWN HETALIA. I ONLY OWN THIS LITTLE PIECE OF WRITING, BUT EVEN SO, IT'S UN-ORIGINAL. -sobs-**_

_**The next chapter will be up very quickly. :D **_

_**~Hari-sama**_


	2. Forest Fire

"Okay, Deku tree," Alfred and Britannia fairy ran up to the spirit.. tree thing. "We're back."

"Well, you took your time." Antonio scoffed. "I sent for him hours ago! What took so long?"

"Well..." They all took a moment to remember this flashback...

* * *

_"I gotta sword~" Alfred sang as he held up his new, small sword in his hand._

_He opened another chest. "I gotta rupee~" he held up the currency, worth only 5 of it's kind. _

_He ran to the chest next to it. "I got another rupee~" _

_Later, he went to the town shop. He purchased a sheild. "I gotta shield~" _

_On his way through the cavern to the Deku tree, he defeated a Deku Baba monster. In defeat, the monster left a Deku stick behind as it dissapated into the wind. "I gotta stick-"_

_The fairy, obviously annoyed, flew in front of Alfred to stop him. "Alright, that does it. Stop. Doing. That! It's a __**stick! **__No one gets excited about a stick!" _

_Alfred blinked as he went on, "The sword; I can understand. And _maybe _ the sheild. But a stick!"_

_"If you do that one more time, I'm going to kick you in your kidneys until you pee blood, and then I shall stick your face in it and make you drink it!"_

-Several Seconds Later-

_"So, you're gonna see the Deku tree, are ya?" the guard, probably no older than he was, held up a hand to him. "Good grief.." he groaned. "How come the Deku tree always likes you best?_

_"Even that other girl..Why does nobody like me? ME?" he growled. "From now on... we're enemies..." He stepped aside for Alfred to pass, and so he did._

_"I made an enemy~" Alfred hummed again. _

_**AGAIN, YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO READ THIS. LET'S KEEP IT T RATED, PEOPLE.**_

* * *

"The weird thing was that it tasted like rasberry-aid." Alfred thought aloud. "Oh, yeah. So, what did you want me for?"

"I want you..." he opened his mouth fully, forming a cave into the large tree-thing's body. "Inside me..."

Alfred immediatley ran away, leaving Britannia the fairy behind with Antonio. "Don't you think you could've worded that a little better?" He followed after alfred, who hadn't gotten that far.

"Wait, come back!" Antonio called. The two turned around and there was a flash of light. "I'll give you this emerald." And an emerald floated down from the branches of the tree thing and down to Alfred. When he inspected it, it looked like a tomato.

"... I got the emerald-"

The fairy cleared his throat, glancing over at Alfred.

"Oh, yeah. Never mind." he laughed nevously.

"Now that we've got that all sorted out," Antonio began, "I need you to get inside me and kill that damn squirrel that made a nest in me!"

"Oh, is that all?" Alfred got up and dusted off his pants. "I mean, it's not like you've got a giant dungeon inside of you or anything. Heh.."

"Um.. S-si. Now, if I did, which I don't, it probably wouldn't have multiple floors and basements. Also, other monsters. Now, in you go."

Alfred shrugged, finding it legit enough, and ran inside with Britannia the fairy by his side.

"I've got a really goos feeling about this..." Anotnio said after they departed inside.

**-A Little Later**-

* * *

Alfred rolled past one of the Deku babas in his path, and pulled out a Deku stick he'd safed from earlier. He lit it on fire with a nearby torch, when the fairy interrupted him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Oh," Alfred blinked, "I was gonna use that stick to set the cobweb on fire."

"Fire? But- You're in a tree!" None of this made sense to the fairy. "A tree that's made of wood! Use your head for a minute!"

"This is no time for thought," Alfred shouted, running towards the cobweb, "this is a time for action! HYAAAA!" and he held the fire to the web that blocked his path, and it burned until it was nothing.

-**A Little Later-**

* * *

"This is Dave Davidson reporting," a man stood outside a scene of trees and the rest of the Forest on fire. "This was the scene earlier today as the Kokiri forest mysteriously burned to the ground. It is believed that the fire started at the great Deku tree. Some witnesess had this to say:"

"I'm innocent, I tells ya!" Alfred begged. Britannia the fairy hit his shoulder. "Quiet, you! You'll give it away!"

"Someone else was seen at the scene of the crime, though his connection is currently unknown."

-**Earlier that day-**

"Oh no," a man on a black horse, and violet eyes cried as he rode through the flames. "The forest is burning down! I must save the children!"

"Oh, uh, y-yeah! It was him! I saw him! H-he had matches!" The fairy exclaimed.

"Huh? Oh, umm, I mean, yes!" Alfred nodded quickly. "He said he'd come back.. a-and hit me if I ever told anyone what really happened...I-I'm so scared..."

"And there you have it folks. Thanks to this young hero, the criminal will be brought to justice." he coughed. "And what kind of punishment can he expect? In this repoter's mind, even the death penalty is far too lenient."

**TBC**

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_**Oh, umm... Yeah. This. I decided to go ahead and update the same day, 'cause I'm bored.;;;**_

_**And, yes, I know I haven't worked on my other stories yet... b-but! I ... um... LEAVE ME ALONE.**_

_**~Hari-sama **_


	3. Brotherly Love and Kiku McOwl

"Okay, let's get out of here before they can link us to the crime!" Britannia the fairy exclaimed as they ran (or in this case, one flew and the other ran) over the bridge that led to outside the forest and into the fields of Hetalia.

"The crime?" A quiet voice asked out of nowhere. Alfred turned around in surprise. "Huh? Hey- what the... "

"Okay, he's onto us." the fairy whispered. "Now go over there, and make something up... Now whatever you do, don't cave in."

Alfred nodded. "Hey, come on, what do ya take me for? " He walked over to the person. The person actually looked a lot like him, except he had longer hair.

"So, Alfred, where're ya goin'?" he asked as innocent as he actually was.

"NO! Please, don't call the cops!" Alfred begged. "How was I supposed to know that the Deku tree was flamable? I was unaware!" he cried.

"Huh?" the other person blinked. "Oh! I see! You're going to go catch the guy who burnt down the forest!"

"No, you fool, it was me!" Alfred cried. "I'm the one who-..."

The fairy cleared it's throat again. "Huh? Oh, right. Yes." he turned back to his look-alike. "That is the situation as _far as you know._"

"Oh, Al, you're so brave." Matthew smiled. "Here, take this with you." he held out a wooden ocarina to him. "In most adventures, uh... a musical instrument would be completely useless. But in this one... well, you never know."

Alfred accepted it, and inspected it for a moment.

"I got the- uh, um... the uh... okay, what is this thing?" The fairy facepalmed.

"It's an ocarina, silly. It's kind of like a flute, except it's shaped like a sex toy."

"Cool!" Alfred stopped with his mental guessing. "Well, I guess I better get going."

"Wait, Al, don't go..." Matthew looked at the ground in embarrasment. "I've always waited for the right moment to say this.. but, I may never get another chance."

He took in a breath, "I love you."

"Oh, Matachu-" "It's Matthew," "Right. I love you too. Y'know, I always have."

"So.. you'll stay?"

"Yes, I promise. Nothing you say could ever make me leave your side." He grinned. He didn't know that Matthew ment something completely different from what he thought was going on.

"Great! So, do you wanna come over to my place and watch my collection of Whoopi Goldberg movies?"

There was a silence. Alfred backed up a few steps, "...Um, that's sounds like a really fun-RUN AWAY!" and then ran off out of the forest.

Matthew sighed. "Why does no one like Whoopi Goldberg except me?"

-insert Whoopi plus one video here-

* * *

In Hetalia field, the grass was green and the sky was clear and blue.

"Man, that was scary..." Alfred sighed as he walked out of the entrance to the forest. "Well, at least the worst part is over now-" Britannia the fairy was cut off when they spotted an owl on a branch before them. It's eyes appeared bored and brown, and his hair was short-cut and neatly trimmed and jet black. Like an Asian owl.

"Hoot hoot! Alfred, look up here!" he called, "My name is Kiku McOwl. And it's my job to give you pointless information that which you either already know, or don't care about. For example, you already know that you're supposed to go to the castle and meet with the princess. But, some pointless information would be that she wears a green dress. Much like my uncle Albert..." he trailed on.

"Okay, is this guy going to just ramble on like this?" Britannia the fairy sighed.

"Nah, it looks like he's nearly done." Alfred shrugged.

"Are you sure?" The fairy looked down at him quizingly.

The blond nodded. "I'm positive. I mean, how much longer could he ramble on anyway?"

**-Later That Day-**

It was now night time as Kiku McOwl continued, "And that's when I ended up eating porridge instead of oatmeal for my breakfast this morning. Would you like to hear what I said again?"

"W-what?" Alfred looked up at him, flabbergasted. "Good God, no! "

"You have selected yes. " Kiku nodded. "Now, getting back to the story of my cross-dressing uncle, Albert..." he continued.

"...Should we ditch 'em?" Alfred turned to the fairy on his shoulder, who leaped up with vigor.

"Are you kidding? I thought you were never going to ask." he groaned. They continued walking on, leaving Kiku behind them.

-The Next Morning-

"And that's why the movie 'Transformers' will never happen in real life. Y- oh. He's gone. Oh well. I'll talk to these fanfiction readers. Would you like to hear about what happens in the next episode?

"For yes, review to this story.

For no, review to this story.

And for maybe, review to this story. You have selected no. Goodbye." and he flew away.

**TBC**

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This one had me very satisfied. And if you didn't get the part where Alfred thought something different from Matthew, he thought he meant as a brother or something.**_

_**USUK FOR DA WIN~ 333**_

_**~Hari-sama**_


	4. Jobs, Nicknames, and Milk Crates

As Alfred and Britannia the fairy entered the Castle town, Alfred sighed. "Ah~ Finally arrived in Castle town."

"Great, now first things first," the fairy stated, "We need to get you a job."

"What? I dun wanna get a job!" Alfred whined.

"What? Then, how are you supposed to afford necesities like food, or shelter, or love."

"Ah, but you are forgetting that this town belongs to the royal family." Alfred sighed, "I mean, how bad could it be living on the streets in this town?"

"Bad." the fairy facepalmed. "Very bad."

"Oh, poor, poor, simple, naive Britannia the fairy,"he shook his head, "Prepare to be proven wrong."

* * *

-**Later That Day-**

"Hello, sir. Could you tell my simple-minded flying friend that it's not so bad living off of the streets in this town?" Alfred smirked, looking down at a guard.

The guard raised a hand up to him, reaching as if he were trying to find support. "Umm... sir?"

Finally, he stopped, and his arms slumped to the ground.

"...I think he's dead." the fairy stated.

"Huh? But, what did he die of?" Alfred was confused.

"Well," Britannia the fairy held a finger to his chin, "by the looks of him, I'd say he was attacked by some wild dogs. But on the other hand, by the smell, I'd say he was drinking his own urine."

The boy blinked. "So...Job hunting, here we come!"

* * *

It was late at night and Alfred had strayed closer to the castle, as it was in his cabable range by now. "Man... this is harder than I thought."

He stopped and walked over to a girl, probably no older than he was, "Hey, do you know if they're hiring people at the castle?" he sighed. "Y'know, anything would be fine. Maybe a... sex butler,or-"

She giggled. "Tee-hee! You're a fairy boy." The girl had short blonde hair and big round green eyes, and she wore a blue ribbon in her hair.

"Hu..huh? What?" Alfred looked at her strangley. "Ohh, I get it. It's 'cause of this fairy I got following me around, right?"

She blinked. "Huh? Oh, I never noticed that before. I was just talking about your fashion-sense." A pause. "And your haircut."

"Look, are they hiring people at the castle or not?" he sighed.

She shrugged. "I think so. I mean, my brother got a job delivering milk there. Although, come to think of it... He did say that he was gonna only deliver one crate of milk, and that was over a week ago."

He blinked. "You wouldn't mind going and getting him for me, would you?"

"Tell you what, I'll go get 'im if you stop calling me fairy boy." he smirked.

"Fair enough." she nodded. "Well, your new nickname, since your wearing all green," she gestured toward his attire. "I'll call you snotball instead."

He let out a groan, much like the one Britannia the fairy would use.

* * *

-**Some Stealthy Action Later-**

Alfred held a chicken up to the sleeping man next to a crate. It had let out a 'cock-a-doodle-doo' and up the man was, startled and looking around. It looked like he was in fail Mario cosplay.

"It'sa me, Vash." he smirked.

"...Mario?"

"Noo, I am not a Mario, I am a Vash. Just ask my friend, Luigi-I mean, uh, Roderich."

"Leave me out of this!" a man shouted from far off.

"You know, you're about the same size as a shroom." Vash nodded.

"As a _what?_" Alfred stared at him.

"A shroom, a special kind of a mushroom. They make you feel like you're twelve feet tall! And they're perfect for when you're going through the pipes for different kingdoms!"

"Okay..." Alfred looked away for a second, feeling this was all too weird. "I'm gonna stop talking to you now... But I need to let you know that your sister is waiting for you."

"What? My sister is here? Oh, crap! People 'll see that she's got the same haircut as me!" once he realized what that meant, he took of towards where she was.

"No, wait! Don't you have to finish delivering these crates-..." but he was long gone.

"You know, if we finish delivering the milk, _we _could get payed for it." Britannia the fairy winked.

"Yeah, good idea." Alfred grinned. "I mean, how difficult could it be to deliver some milk?"

**

* * *

-Several Seconds Later-**

"Okay, I'll just push this box here and-" The box fell off of the edge of the platform, hitting the ground below with a thud. A loud sound of glass breaking filled their ears.

"Uh oh..."

"Okay, what happened to the box of milk?" the fairy sighed.

"W-well, I think the important thing to point out is that we both survived. "

"You broke it, didn't you?"

"Kinda."

**TBC**

_**Umm... yeah. This one was written at 11pm -4am, so don't mind me if it's bad. v.v;;**_

_**I'm bored, so I'll upload a chapter maybe thirty minutes to an hour from now. :U **_

_**~Hari-sama**_


	5. Princess, Walking Hedges, & Awesomeness

Once inside the main courtyard of the castle, Alfred congradulated himself. "Yes! We've finally broken into the castle."

"Great." the fairy groaned. "Now let's see if we can trick them into paying for the milk."

"You got it." Alfred grinned.

"Hey, you in the dress," he ran up to a girl who stood in front of a large window at the head of the courtyard. "We delivered your milk for 'ya. J-just to let you know, we need to accept payment before you open it... and..."

As she turned around, he was at a loss for words. She had long brown hair and green eyes, and wore a long green dress. "She's like the very definition of a fairy-tale princess." Britannia the fairy rolled his eyes.

"Hey, assface, how'd you get past my guards?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Ah... she sounds like a goddess, too."

She blinked. "Snotball, are you listening to me? I asked you a question."

"Huh? Oh, right. The guards. Well..."

_-__**Seconds Earlier-**_

_"And a breaking into the castle we shall go~" Alfred sang, skipping stealthily throught the garden where the guards were... guarding._

_"Hey, Paul," one of the guards called, "Whassat noise?" _

_It took everything in Alfred's power to keep Britannia the Fairy from attacking the guards for misuse of the English language. _

_"Boy, dat's just one of 'dem talkin' hedges." the other guard replied._

_"Gosh, Paul, you so smart." _

_Alfred sighed in relief and walked past them, going further into the garden. _

_A bit further in, he noted that there were the same guards. Again. _

_"Hey, Paul! Now 'dere go one o' dem walkin' hedges!" _

"It was as epic as Metal Gear Solid and Splinter Cell combined." Alfred laughed smugly. The fairy facepalmed and sighed.

* * *

"I see." Princess Elizebeta replied, nodding. "Well, since you've broken into the courtyard, I'm going to throw you into the dungeon~"

"Aw, you're so sweet." he turned to the fairy. "Did ja hear that? She's giving us a room."

"Do you even listen to yourself when you speak?" the fairy groaned.

"And then, I'm going to throw you into the iron maiden." she laughed in a weird sadistic kind of way.

"Aww~ She likes rock music, too. That's so cute." Alfred sighed.

"Could you stop being so daft for one minute?"

"Then," Elizebeta tilted her head, thinking for a moment, "After a few months, I can execute you!"

"Umm..." Alfred laughed nervously. "Well, yeah. That one I can't find anything to be happy about."

"Then, I'll stick your- Hey, wait." she stopped. "Are you a fairy?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" Alfred groaned. "Is it because I don't wear pants? C'mon, that's purely a comfort thing...You don't see- well, yeah he doesn't wear pants." he looked up at the fairy that sat on his shoulder.

"Hey! I can do that sort of thing! "he huffed. "Hitsu4hinaeva makes me. Plus, yeah... It's kind of a comfort thing."

"Nonetheless, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to that thing flying around your head."

"Huh?" Alfred looked up. "Oh, yeah. That's just B home diggy." He felt a glare being shot at him, so he took it back, "I mean... Britannia the fairy."

"Then, you must be from my dream!" Elizabeta gasped. "I had a dream where a boy in green burned down the forest, followed by a fairy. During which, a big vodka man tried to put it out and rescued children!

"I think that big vodka man represents you,"

"Umm... Y-yeah, that may be right." Alfred laughed nervously.

"And that kid with a fairy; he must represent..." she stepped out of the way and motioned for him to look in the window. "Him."

"Kay, well, let's just take a look here..." he inspected a bit closer.

He then saw a music video of a familiar man with a bit of fuzz on his chin dance completely naked... unless you count the rose between his legs.

"GAH! My virgin eyes!" He cried, holding his hands over his eyes. Britannia the fairy patted the boy's head while he, too, winced.

"Oh, sorry, that's Hitsu4hinaeva's trash room." she laughed. "I meant this one instead."

"Well, this seems like the same window, but okay." Alfred shrugged, stepping forward.

"Kol kol kol~" A man sang while coming to lean on one knee. "Good news, your Majesty! I've completed the orphanage you asked me to complete!"

"That's no way to address royalty..." Britannia the fairy coughed underneath his breath.

"That monster sickens me." Elizebeta shivered. "I suppose if you're going to save the world from him, then I guess I can't imprison you.." she sighed sadly.

"Alright, first plan of action is to get the other spiritual stones from the whore fish people- I-I mean the Zoras and the Gorons. Kay?"

"But.. how will that help save the world?" Alfred blinked.

"It wont. I just think they look pretty." She laughed. "Okay, tell you what, I'll give you an ocarina for your trouble."

"But I've already got one-" he was cut off. "Yours is a cheap piece of crap! Mine is much better. Now, get going. Gilbert will lead you out."

Alfred shrugged and started to leave until he met up with the white-haired man. "So... you're the guy that the princess had that dream about." he snickered. "In my dreams, men are big and strong and not wearing clothes- I mean, I'll teach you the song that puts that chick over there to sleep."

Alfred nodded, and Gilbert began by calling his little bird out. They sang,

"Whistle whistle~ Whistle whistle~" satisfied, he turned to Alfred.

"That was horrible!"

"Quiet!" he spat. "Now, you try."

"Okay." he shrugged and pulled out his ocarina and began playing. It was the most beautiful piece of music you ever did hear. Even Britannia the fairy wiped a tear from his eye as he finished.

"That was horrible, so I'ma destroy you with the palace guard's most powerful weapon!" he threw something down and there was a flash of light, but he had disappeared.

"Huh?" Alfred blinked. "Where'd he go?"

"I think he ran away from the flash of his own Deku nut." the fairy sighed.

**TBC**

**

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**

_**Well, umm, this may be my longest chapter so far. :DDD**_

_**Thanks for sticking with it and whatnot. Hope it's funny enough. xDD**_

_**~Hari-sama**_


	6. Zombies, Dogongos, and Partying

"Okay, here we are in Kakariko Village!" Alfred announced.

They'd made their way to the entrance to the mountain trail. "Hey, you, I need to get going up the mountain." he stated to the guard that stood next to the gate.

The guard took a moment to process what had just happened. "Oh, no! No, no, no. It's far to dangerous for a child!"

"Nah, don't worry. I'm tougher than I look." Alfred grinned.

"Look, kid, they call this place_** Death **_Mountain for a reason." The guard sighed. "Not fluffy pink bunny mountain! Why, on that mountain, giant boulders rain down from the sky!"

"Aw, that's okay, I'm wearing a hat." he waved it off.

"Well... there's also these weird jumping spider-things up there." he was running out of things to throw at the young boy.

"I grew up in a forest. Do you really think I'd be afraid of some spiders?"

"Well..." Okay. He was making up shit now. "I also heard that the lava up there is itchy-er than regular lava."

"...Wait, I'm sorry, itchy lava?" Alfred rose an eyebrow. "That doesn't even make any sense. Now look, I'm really, really not afraid of anything that's up there!"

"Well... Alright, i-if you insist..." the guard sighed in defeat. He hit the bottom of his spear on the ground and the gate opened.

"Okay kid. Now, you be careful up there."

Alfred smiled and rolled his eyes. "I will~"

"Now, if you need to get back down again, there's a talking owl at the top of the mountain." The guard smiled.

"Wait a minute." Alfred and Britannia the fairy's faces paled. "Did you just say a talking owl?"

"W-well, yeah." the guard nodded. "He lives at the top of the mountain."

* * *

"Hey!" Elizebeta gasped, "What are you doing back here?"

"I can't climb that mountain knowing there's a talking owl up there!" Alfred shook his head. "It's far too dangerous!"

**-At Death Mountain Trail-**

The sun was shining brightly and the atmosphere looked hopefull, but Alfred's gloomy expression kinda threw everything off.

"Stupid Elizebeta... Making me go back up the mountain..."

"Well, you don't have to go _now_. You can do some side-quests, if you want." Britannia the fairy shrugged, not really caring.

Alfred shook his head. "No way! Do you remember that stupid 'Sun Song' side quest we did?"

_

* * *

Alfred ran into the dark, sewer-like pit, eager to find the song and get the hell out of there._

_"Now all I gotta do is run past this zombie here..." he tried, but when he got to about five feet away from it, there was a shrieking kind of sound and Alfred literaly froze in place as the zombie walked slowly toward him._

_"Can't... move..." he mumered._

_"What the bloody hell?" the fairy rose a large eyebrow._

_The zombie clinged to Alfred's back, doing... -shudders-_

_"Get 'em off, getemoff,getemoff! He smells like zombie ass, get 'em off!"_

* * *

"I mean, he didn't have a penis, so he didn't really stick anything anywhere, but it was the fact he was TRYING that frightened me..." Alfred shuddered.

**-A Few Moments Later-**

"Hello, there, young human." Berwald, king of the Gorons, greeted Alfred as he entered his domain. "How can I help you?"

"Elizebeta wants to know if you'll give her the spiritual stone of fire." Alfred wasn't really paying him any attention. Who would? He looked as scary as hell!

"Yeah, alright." he shrugged. "We never really use it for anything, anyway."

"R... really?" Alfred blinked. "Wow, that was easy..."

"Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, hold on there." Berwald started, "You can't get something for nothing. We're not going to give it to you for free, after all."

"Okay, then. Whaddaya want?" he sighed.

"Well, there're only three things around here that needs to be done."

Alfred nodded, ready to accept whatever he threw at him.

"First, you can go and learn the sun song."

Without a second thought, Alfred froze. "Next."

"Well, you could go feed my slightly agressive pet Dodongo."

"And the last one?" Britannia the fairy tilted his head. All of these so far are completely random.

"The last one is that I want somebody to listen to my DJ music."

Alfred shrugged. "Okay. We'll go with that one."

"Great." Berwald smiled slightly. "I call this one, 'Party in Goron Village'."

Then, two men, one with white hair smoothed back, and another with lighter hair, played the turn-tables. The ambient disco music echoed throughout the room.

Berwald did some sort of dance that resembled an Egyptian dance. "Party, party, party~ Party, party, party~"

"Well... that was very, umm... nice..." the fairy blinked.

"Um, yes. Very.. colorful. Now, just give us the stone, and we'll be on our way." Alfred nodded.

"Oh, but I have more than one song." he smiled.

"...O-okay, I guess we could listen to a few more."

**-73 Songs Later-**

"Party, party, party~ Party-"

"L-listen," Alfred blinked. "no offense or anything, but... well, don't you know any songs that aren't about... partying?"

As if crickets were in the room, Berwald just sat there and stared at the boy like he was crazy for a moment.

"Party, party, party~ Party, party, party~"

"Okay, I think I'm gonna go feed that Dodongo."

**

* * *

-One Action Packed Dungeon Later-**

"Stupid party-obsessed rock man..." Alfred mumbled as he entered what he believed to be the Dodongo's chamber. " 'The hell is a Dodongo, anyway?"

He turned around, and he saw a huge monster that resembled a big dog, except it had scales and a few horns on it's back. It also had a smoothed-back blond tuff of hair, covered by a hat.

It stomped foward angrily. It let out a large roar.

"My guess would be that." Britannia the fairy just stared at it.

"HOLY CRAP! What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?" Alfred panicked.

"Well... feed it, I guess. "the fairy tried not to sound sarcastic; he was serious.

Alfred nodded, and picked a bomb-flower that was growing nearby, and threw it into the monster's mouth while it was open. "Here! Eat this!"

"Okay," the fairy nodded, "Now, you did remember to feed it the giant cherry... _ and not the bomb... _ right?"

"Hey, c'mon, give me some credit." Alfred grinned.

The monster let out a roar again as it's knees wobled, and it tried to get away by rolling into a ball and rolling away, but it ran straight into the pool of lava that resided in the middle of the room. "Okay... now there's a slight chance it was a bomb."

The monster held up a hand as if it were dying, and then it burned with the ashes in the lava.

"Oh, this is gonna cost me..."

* * *

He arrived outside of the dungeon, and Berwald surprised him by landing behind him.

"So, did you manage to feed my Dodongo alright?"

-**In the Cavern-**

"Oh... the pain..." the monster cried within the lava with a heavy Danish accent.

"Y-yeah, oh- Yes." Alfred nodded quickly.

"Great! Then here's your secret stone." Berwald held up the red stone, shaped oddly like an axe, and there was a flash of light as he recived it.

Holding it up, Alfred exclaimed. "I got the sacred stone~"

"Yes you certainly did." Berwald nodded. "But before I forget, a few of my boys said that they found a zombie that taught them a really odd way of attacking."

The two males from before landed on each side of Berwald, and they approached Alfred. "Show 'em how it's done."

"Well, boss, it went a little some thing like this."

Alfred proceded to run away, bur was stopped by another goron landing in his path, so he ran in the other direction.

Britannia the fairy just sat on a nearby rock, laughing his ass of.

**TBC**

**

* * *

**

_**LONGEST CHAPTER~~~ I hope you all are enjoying all of this. I know I am. :3 Now, who ever reviews first get a /not/ burnt cookie. x3**_

_**~Hari-sama**_


	7. Flashbacks, France is a Fish, & Whales

_**By the way, in the Dodongo chapter, yes, the monster was Denmark. xDDD**_

* * *

"Alright~ Here we are at Zora's domain." Alfred anounnced. He ran into the cavernous lake-like domain with a boost of confidence.

"Well, you seem pretty cheerful." Britannia the fairy tilted his head.

"And why wouldn't I be?" Alfred blinked. "I've only got one more sacred stone to get, and then me and Elizebeta can be together forever."

The fairy rolled his eyes. "And what gives you that idea?"

"Remember how all over me she was when I told her that we got the sacred stone of fire?"Alfred smirked.

"...No?"

**

* * *

The Way Alfred Remembers It**

**(a.k.a ; What he wishes happened)**

_"Hey, Liz, I brought you back the sacred stone of fire." Alfred smirked. _

_"Oh, Al. You're so brave and strong and sexy~" she sighed. "I want you. I want you, now!"_

_"No, Elizabeta, I must save the world first." He nodded. "Then we can do the horizontal happy dance."_

_"I'm sorry, Alfred." she looked down. "It's just, whenever I'm around you, my physical urges get so strong..." _

_"I know it's tough. But please, try and stay strong. For me." _

_"Okay, my darling!" she exclaimed, turning to him. She smiled. "For you." _

"Wait a minute, that's not how it happened." Britannia the fairy shook his head.

**

* * *

The Way Britannia the Fairy Remembers It (What really happened)**

_"Hey, Liz, I brought you back the sacred stone of fire." Alfred smirked. _

_"So what?" she snapped. "There's still another one to get! Now hurry up and get it before I have the guards execute you." she winked sadistically. _

"Oh, yeah~" Alfred nodded. "She wants me." The fairy facepalmed and went into his hat.

* * *

"Hey, king Zora!" he ran up to the fish king's lair, only to stop and hesitate. Suddenly, memories of the man he saw in the music video at the castle came into his mind. It was like they were the same person...

"Stupid Hitsu4hinaeva and her un-creative character uses..."

"What was that?" the fairy tilted his head. Alfred shook his head. "Never mind. Anyway, hey, King Zora!"

He held up a bottle to the king. "I found this message in a bottle; it's adressed to you."

"Oh, oui." the king smiled. "It's from my step-son. Let us see what it is, non?"

"_Dear dad,_

_ If you're, like, reading this note, then I've been totally swallowed by Lord Toris._

_Please, like, hurry up and totally save me. TO THE, LIKE, MAX._

_Totally,_

_ Feliks 3 " _He read aloud.

" Mon dieu! my poor son!" he cried.

"Wait a minute, if she was eaten by the fish, how could she've sent the letter?" Alfred blinked.

"Why," the king sighed, "By using the mailbox we installed there, of course~"

"But, that just raises more questions!"

"Oh, well." Britannia the fairy sighed. "We should be okay, as long as he didn't give him the sacred stone of water."

"Oh, non! And I had just given him the sacred stone of water, too..." the king sighed dramatically.

"Aw, crap." Alfred facepalmed. "Guess that means that we'll have to hurry up and go save him, I guess."

"You're right, mor cher!" the king nodded. "We have not un moment to lose!"

So then, carefully, the king slowly scooted over to his right. Alfred and the fairy could tell this could take a while.

**-Several Hours Later-**

He'd hardly moved from the spot he started at, and he still wasn't that fast.

"Hurry up, frog!" Britannia the fairy shouted in annoyance.

**-More Hours Later-**

Finally, he'd gotten about three-fourths out of the way. He'd stopped.

"Oui, now you may go rescue my step-son."

* * *

Once out in the lake-area, Alfred went up to the whale. "Wooah, lookit the size of that fish!"

Curious, he dumped the fish he'd caught earlier in front of the whale. "I wonder if it's any bigger than the one I caught earlier..."

He blinked. "Nope, 'bout the same." The whale then opened his mouth, smelling fish, and swallowed everything in front of him.

"You idiot!" the fairy shouted, getting sucked in. Alfred came soon after, being swallowed by the whale. "At least I died the way I lived!"

"Great, now we're trapped inside the fish." Britannia the fairy sighed. "Now what're we going to do?"

"Well, we came in through the front... so I guess we should leave through the, um...Well, y'know." he sighed. "Back."

"Oh, bloody hell, no. These are new shoes." the fairy crossed his arms. "They're not going anywhere near a fish's rectum."

"What? But, you're a fairy. You don't need to walk!" Alfred blinked.

"Well, I don't know," he shrugged. "They're nice shoes."

**

* * *

-One Very fishy Dungeon Later-**

"Okay, if my calculations are correct, then the colon should be right through here." Alfred smirked.

They walked in to see something very large and looked like lightning was coming from it.

"You idiot! This is the brain! Although," the fairy got off of his shoulder in thought. "this might work out a little bit more. If you tweak it a bit, then maybe you can get it to open it's mouth."

"Okay, well," Alfred nodded. "that seems simple enough. Just tweak it a bit."

He ran up to it and hit it as hard as he possibly could with his sword, and then it exploded.

"...Whoops." he laughed nervously. "Oh, hey look. A magic exit." he ran up to the glowing path and let it carry him to the exit.

When he arrived on the outside, he found himself face to face with a boy, probably his age, with green eyes and shoulder length blonde hair.

"What the hell-" he was thrown back into the water. The boy swam up to him, "Hi~ I'm, like, totally Feliks."

"Weren't you supposed to be in the fish?" Alfred blinked.

"Oh, I totally to escape while my dad, like, totally was taking his time getting out of the way." Feliks waved it off with his hand. "He said, like, you wanted the sacred stone of water."

"Yep." Alfred nodded. "Well, I guess I could give it to you. I mean, like, it's not like you totally hurt Lord Toris."

"Actually, I don't think he'll be able to feel pain anymore..." he laughed nervously.

"Aw, that's, like , nice." There was a flash of blue light, and soon enough, he was holding the sacred stone of water.

"I got the sacred stone~" he sang.

**

* * *

We now bring you to a public service announcment by King Zora.**

"Hi, kids." he smirked. "Today, we saw Lord Toris swallowing Alfred. And that led to a very cool adventure, non? But if someone you know tries to offer you an adventure to eat, that's _not cool._"

He shook his head dramatically. "Oui, it may seem fun at first, but how fun would you think it is when he starts using some of your more _vital _reigions as a dungeon? Oui, oui, not very. Lord Toris learned that the hard way. "

Toris appeared behind him. "I should've just said no."

King Zora sighed, glancing down at the rose that covered his vital reigions. "That is correct, kids. Don't make the same mistake that Toris made. Keep it cool; stay in school."

**TBC**

**

* * *

**

_Fff- France's announcement. xDDD_

**_Well, hope you enjoyed this one. It's random, yes... but IT INCLUDES THE, LIKE, TOTALLY EPIC POLAND IN IT. :DDD_**

**_~Hari-sama _**


	8. Villains? Sliding Doors and Jokes

As Alfred and Britannia the fairy stood out in the rain, they watched the familiar draw bridge that led to the castle town slowly lowered.

"Aww, yeah~" Alfred smirked. "Now that we have all three sacred stones, Lizzie is sure to fall in love with me~"

"I wouldn't bet on it, if I were you." the fairy shook his head as he floated near Alfred's head.

With that statement, a faint figure of a white horse and two people on it's back became visible. As it quickly approached, the figures became more visible.

"Shows what you know!" Alfred pointed at the quickly moving horse. "She's already rushing out here to embrace me-Ah!" he ran out of the way as the horse almost ran into him.

"Outta my way, jack ass!" Elizebeta called, clutching onto the white horse as it galloped away.

"Don't worry, Liz!" Alfred turned to look in the direction the two were dissapearing to. "That was probably my fault!"

"Shut up, you loser!" she spat. "Hey, Gil, we're not getting away fast enough, so we'll have to drop some useless weight."

A pause. "... So, I'm afraid you'll have to get off."

The Prussian sighed. "I was thinking you'd say that, girlie, so I duck-taped us both together. "

"Damn you, Gilbert!" the Hungarian groaned. "You're always one step ahead... Well," she pulled out the ocarina from her pocket, "I suppose this ocarina is the second most useless thing I brought with me."

She chucked it behind her. It landed with a splash into the water beneath the draw bridge.

Alfred just stared at them as they dissapeared over the rolling hills. "Hey, did she just throw something behind me?" He turned to look, only to look and see the familiar pale-faced man on his black horse.

"Noo!" Alfred cried, taking a step back.

The male blinked. "What are you screaming for?"

"Oh," Alfred sighed in relief, "Sorry. I got confused for a while and thought this was chapter one."

"That's why you read the damn script!" a voice echoed from far off. Alfred shrugged. "I don't give a crap about the script, and neither do you! So long as we make it funny."

"Fair enough." the voice sighed. "And Britannia the fairy, my favorite character, you'll get some more lines soon. Even if I have to make up some crap."

"Thank goodness." the fairy sighed. "Now, quit talking, Hitsu4hinaeva. It's kind of the equivalent of breaking the fourth wall."

"Okay. I'll be back.. with company..." the voice laughed evilly and dissapeared.

"So," Alfred's attention turned back to the Russian male on his horse, "Why're you chasing after Liz anyway?"

"Well, you see, little boy.." he cleared his throat, "I heard that the crime rate in Hetalia is so low, that the King is going to have to let some of the castle guards go!

"So, in order to help the police service, I have become a criminal."

"So, wait a minute," Alfred blinked, "You're being evil to be nice?"

"Yes." The Russian stated proudly. "Why, just earlier today, I stole this magical glow-in-the-dark baseball." he held up the glowing ball of light directly at the boy.

"Catch!" He said, throwing it at the blonde American. Alfred got hit by it, and he fell backwards. He shrieked in a high-pitched, rather girly-sounding voice. "Huh? What the hell?"

"Oh, no, what have I done!" Ivan panicked. "I've killed him!"

"Huh?" Alfred blinked. "No you haven't; I'm fine!"

"Oh, I truly have become evil!" he sped off into the distance with his black horse, yelling back to him, "I hope someday your grieving family can forgive me!"

Alfred stared at his retreating back. "That guy was really... bizzare."

* * *

**-Several Hours of Swimming in the Caslte Sewage System Later-**

Alfred dived underneath the water, and finally retrieved the ocarina Elizebeta had thrown back at him.

"I got the stinky ocarina~" he sang. "Oh, hey, there's a note inside."

_" 'Dear Alfred,_

_ It's me, Elizebeta. I'll have to leave the castle for a while because Ivan has decided to kidnap me for whatever reason. Needless to say, it's all your fault fortaking so long to get those damn sacred stones! _

_Unfortunatley, since I'm not there, I cannot punish you myself. So, you'll have to go put the stones at the Temple of Time and await my return. _

_At that point, I'll have chosen a suitalbe punishment for you!_

_Yours angrily,_

_ Princess Elizebeta'" _

"Aww, did ja hear that, B? 'Dear Alfred'." Alfred laughed. "She called me 'dear'."

"Did you even read the rest of the letter?" Britannia the fairy groaned, knowing the answer would mmost likely no.

"What for?" Alfred blinked. "It would just be her rambiling on about how great I am."

The fairy let out a long groan.

* * *

**-Later, at the Temple of Time-**

"Okay," Alfred shrugged and walked up to the large, black granite platform in the middle of the large church-like building. "I'll just put these things down here."

He set the stones each in a little hole, that happened to match their shape, on the platform. The burger-shaped symbol over the large block on the wall glowed a golden color and shimmered. The block opened up like a door would, revealing a larger room inside.

"Wow!" Alfred exclaimed. "A magic door! Just like the ones at the super market!"

They walked inside, examining the gigantic room. "And look what's in here," the fairy flew up a large plaform, surrounded by a few steps. In the center of the platform was the burger symbol, surrounded by five other symbols. One was a tomato, the next looked like Santa's hat, next was a rose, after that was a knife, and finally, there was a blank circle.

In the center of the hamburger was a sword.

"It's the sword of evil's bane!" the fairy flew around it, inspecting it's metallic surface. "The Master Sword..."

"Is that anything like the sword in the stone, where if I pull it out, I become the king of England?" Alfred went up to inspect the sword as well.

Britannia the fairy looked at him with a scowl. "I highly doubt it."

Alfred continued on, "'Cause if I was king of England, Liz would be sure to fall in love with me."

"Fine, believe what you'd like..." the fairy facepalmed.

Alfred put his hands on the sword's handle, "Sorry prince Charles, but I just became next-in-line."

He yanked the sword up, and it came free from the stone. A bright, blue light came from the stone and shot upwards, covering duo as it did so.

* * *

"Oh, no!" Ivan gasped. "That last special effect was so spectacular that we have no money left in the budget for anymore sets, or other characters!

"Luckily, I used to be a stand up comedian, da!" he laughed. "Did you know it's raining cats and dogs outside? I just stepped in a really big 'poodle'!" he laughed at his own, not really that funny joke. He then blinked. "Oh, hey, look, the triforce."

"CUT, CUT!" the voice from before called. "That wasn't even funny!"

"...Kolkolkol..."

"... never mind, d-do what you'd like."

**TBC**

* * *

**_Well.. yes. I appeared-well, was heard in the story at least twice. -headdesk- I SORRY. _**

**_I'm so very, very, very, very un-creative. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, 'cause I think it's crap... ;A;_**

**_~Hari-Sama_**


	9. Tights, Oversized novelty coin, RN

Blurring images of blue formed into clear, identifiable shapes as Alfred awoke, holding his head in irritation. He looked around, groaning, "Ugh... My head... What was I doing last night...?"

He glanced around the area, looking up to see five streams of water flowing down to the platform he stood on. On the platform were the familiar symbols that surrounded the Master sword before he went out cold. "Waking up with a headache in a fountain... that's never a good sign..." He shook his head. "Okay. Last thing I remember, I was pulling out the sword in the stone thing... Then the big special effect happened- Wait, who the hell are you?"

The figure before him looked middle-aged and had a head of short, scruffy brown hair. He wore old-fashioned clothing with a red cape, and had a goofy sort of grin.

"Well, G'mornin', sleepy-head." He said.

"Heh? ' Sleepy-head'? How long have I been out?" Alfred said, still in a bit of a daze.

"Oh, I don't know of the top of my head..." He pondered aloud, "Hmm, I'm guessing..." His voice suddenly went serious and echoed about the fountain. "Exactly seven years."

"Huh...? Seven years—No, seriously, how long?" Alfred laughed.

The man blinked. "I am being serious. Just look at yourself."

Alfred glanced down at himself, and for sure, he was at least a few feet taller, and his usual attire seemed a little bigger than what he had worn before. Britannia the fairy flew around him excitedly. "Oh my god, Alfred! You're an adult!"

Alfred grinned. "Whoa! This is unbelievable! I mean, I'm a-... Wait, did you put tights on me while I was asleep?"

The man scoffed. "Well, what else was I _supposed_ to do?" He spoke as if it were the most obvious, sensible thing in the world. "I mean, _bits_ of you were starting to hang out! Y'know, I wouldn't have to have done that had you came in here wearing _underpants_!"

Alfred sighed. "I keep telling everyone; it's purely a comfort thing."

"Okay," Alfred began, "So, where the hell am I, anyway?"

The man before him with a certain Latin air blinked again. "You mean... you don't know?"

"Nope. Haven't a clue."

"Wha—but... You're the Hero of Time! Here to collect the Triforce!" The man seemed incredulous.

"The what?"

"The, Y'know... The Triforce! Power of the Gods? The symbol of ultimate power?"

"Nope. Never heard of it."

"Hmm... I could swear that Antonio, the Deku Tree, was supposed to tell you..." The man pondered aloud. "Oh well, I guess I'll do it.

A long, long, time ago, there were these three Goddesses."

Alfred's voice interjected, "Were they hot?"

"No," The man said sternly and seriously, "They all looked like Oscars.

Anyway, then they decided to create the world. But, when they all saw how crappy it was, they all decided to run back to heaven. But they were in such a hurry, that they crashed into each other, and fused together to form... The Triforce."

Alfred nodded in acknowledgement. "Wow. Cool! So, uh... can I have it now...?"

"W-well, you see..." The man stumbled on his words, "Here's the thing... Since you were too young to be the Hero of time, we decided to freeze you until you were old enough. Unfortunately, that gave Ivan enough time to come in here and steal the Triforce."

"Wha—how did _he_ get in here?"

A pause. "...I forgot to lock the gate."

Alfred sighed loudly. "Great, now he has ultimate power?"

"Not quite," began the man, "You see, while he was escaping, he dropped it, and it shattered into three pieces. So now he only has the Triforce of Power, while the Triforce of Wisdom and Courage remain."

"Alright, sweet! So, what part of it do I have?" Alfred inquired.

"Your Triforce contains the power of Courage."

"And... What does that do?"

"Well," The man started, "if you see a bus... It _might _give you the power to go jump out in front of it."

Alfred looked at him quizzically. "Huh? But that's not brave... That's just stupid!"

"Well, stupidity, bravery... they're the same thing, really. Now, off you go!"

"Huh? Go where?"

"Well, to go through some dangerous dungeons to rescue the other sages so we can build you a bridge to get to Ivan's castle, of course!"

"But," Alfred began, "Can't I just get a bridge-builder to do that?"

"No," The man said sternly. "It has to be a magic bridge. Now get going," A light started to form above Alfred, and he glanced up to see it. "And I'll give you this over-sized novelty coin."

A red coin a few inches bigger than Alfred's head fell from the light and he held up his hands to catch it. It had a burger indention on either side. "I got the over-sized novelty coin~" He sang.

In a bright flash of light, he was lifted up, and the next thing he knew, he began to materialize in a blue pillar of light on the platform where the Master sword once stood until the light disappeared. He lifted his head up to the ceiling, calling out to the man, "Hey, wait, can I actually use that coin?"

"No, you can't, sucker." The man's voice echoed throughout the room.

Alfred huffed. "Aw, man." He started out of the room, sighing. "I guess I better get going."

Halfway towards the fancy supermarket door, he froze in place. Britannia the fairy blinked, "Hey, what're you stopping for?"

"Someone's sneaking up behind me," he answered in a small voice.

"Alright, then turn around."

"I can't, I'm too frightened."

A familiar voice called from behind, "Just turn around, you idiot."

Alfred drew his sword readily, turning to face the mysterious person. It was impossible to tell who they were, for an outfit that looked similar to a ninja outfit and a small mask that covered a portion of their face covered their appearance.

"My name is Sheik." The person called.

Britannia the fairy ignored that comment. "Elizabeta, why are you dressed like that?"

"Huh?" Sheik gasped, not excepting that, "I'm not Elizabeta... I'm Sheik!"

"Yeah, Britannia fairy, what're you talking about? This guy is a guy. Elizabeta is a girl. Girls aren't guys**(1)**. You're so craaazy~" He sang.

"She's wearing a disguise, you idiot!" The fairy exclaimed.

Alfred scoffed. "Oh, please, I think I would recognize my own _girlfriend_?"

"That's right." Sheik nodded. "He- Wait, whaddaya mean 'girlfriend'?"

"I mean, to start, look how flat-chested this guy is. What kind of a girl wouldn't have any boobs?" Alfred examined. "Also, this guy is nothing but a pile of old skin and bones, whereas we all know that Elizabeta had more meat than a cow."

"Shut up talking about me—I mean, her like that!"

"Uhm," Alfred blinked. "Okay."

Sheik cleared his or her throat, "Okay, listen up. I'm here to help you on your quest. And I need to tell you that stairway to the forest temple has broken down, so you'll need to go to the graveyard to pick up a special item so you can gain entrance."

"A special item, huh? Ooh! Is it a coffin?"

"No." Sheik said, loosing patience.

"Is it a tombstone?"

"No."

"Oh! Oh! Is it a magic shovel?"

"Yes, Alfred, it's a magic shovel."

A pause. "Really?"

"No, you idiot! Who ever heard of an enchanted shovel? Now, get going!"

"Okay, okay, calm down," Alfred stated, "No need to get so angry. I mean, before we left, Ivan did not even know how to be evil. How bad could things have gotten with him in charge?"

"After you left he found out that he was related to Richard Nixon."

"Oh, come on, that couldn't have made things that bad."

-Later, outside the temple of time-

The world was dark and buildings were run down. Zombies littered the streets in many directions.

"Oh, you son of a—"

**TBC**


End file.
